It’s hard to mourn and grieve wholeheartedly in the world in which is almost “forbidden” to show our vulnerabilities, especially when it comes to grieving the death of an absent mother.
Losing a mother is always profound, but what happens when the grief is not just about her absence in death – but in life, too? When she was physically present but emotionally distant, when the bond you longed for never fully formed?
Grieving the death of an absent mother is complex. It carries not only sorrow but also unspoken longing, unanswered questions, and the ache of what could have been. Her passing may bring an unexpected wave of emotions – regret, anger, relief, or even guilt for feeling things you were never allowed to express.
This is a grief that goes beyond loss. It is the mourning of a connection that was never truly there. And yet, healing is possible. Even now, in her absence, you can begin to process, release, and finally make peace with the mother you wished for and the one you had.
Embracing the Unseen Wound
There is a quality of Grief that can feel almost unbearable, as though we’re mourning not simply a person but a Wish that never found its Home. The Mother we wanted, the arms we yearned to collapse into, the eyes that might have gently recognized our worth. This is the unspoken ache that threads its way into our every breath. This is the grief about mother – the wound we cannot see on our skin but feel in the chambers of our heart.
Grief is often discussed in terms of palpable loss: a death, a final goodbye, a memory that can be pinpointed in time. But what if our grief is more like an everlasting echo, shaped by the relationship we never received from the person we are grieving? What if it’s the unfulfilled part of our hearts that still wonders what it would have felt like to be truly Seen by the woman who brought us into this world, and who passed away now?
The place in us that still hopes we might become worthy of her praise – if only we could contort ourselves into a new shape, a shape she could love without conditions. There is a piercing sense of loss in realizing that probably that door has always been locked, that no matter how many keys we try, the acceptance we crave will not be found in her presence anymore.
And so, as a result, these first-responder cells of Sorrow gather, flooding our inner world with waves of longing. They do not stitch the wound shut with ease we see on a scraped knee or a paper cut. Instead, they stay open, quietly layering gentle threads of self-compassion over an injury that seems to resist Closure. It is a slow and painful process… Like a thread woven from tears, whispered prayers, and the courage to believe we might learn how to mother ourselves along the way. Because, that is the only choice we have after all.
What are we supposed to do when the grief is like a persistent shadow that accompanies us in every corner of our lives? Sometimes it’s a faint outline; other times, it swallows us whole. We might catch ourselves desperately yearning for a phone call or a message that never comes, or flinching at the mention of Mother’s Day, uncertain how to process a holiday dedicated to what we never had, and what we will never have anymore. And in that longing, a sense of shame can creep in, whispering that probably we should have found closure by now, that maybe we should simply move on.. But how can we move on from a grief that’s so intimately woven into our sense of self?
There is a quiet heroism in acknowledging that grief can exist on a spectrum of visible and invisible losses. We might have had a mother in the physical sense – someone who lived in the same house, cooked our meals, or tucked us in at night. Yet maybe she wasn’t able to be emotionally Present, maybe she withheld affection, criticized us more than she comforted us, or simply didn’t know how to nurture. The result is a complex heartbreak: the mother is alive, yet we grieve the relationship that never bloomed, the bond that never crossed the distance. This kind of mourning can feel endless because it is not tied to a single event – it’s a long thread of memories, yearnings, and disappointments. It becomes endlessly more complex after that kind of mother dies.
When we speak of grief about mother, we might also be speaking about the silent secrets that she carried, unresolved and complex load of unresolved pain that she inherited from her mother, or her grandmother. This recognition can feel like both a burden and a Gift: it hurts to realize that pain can be generational, yet it also offers us the possibility to become the one who breaks the cycle. We can try to learn to choose compassion for ourselves and, if possible, for the woman who may have been too Wounded or too Lost in her own shadows to fully care for us when she was supposed to.
But that doesn’t mean the grief becomes any less real or less painful. In the quietness of our lonely moments, we still feel that gaping hole, that place inside of us that yearns to be Held. This is where the healing cells of Life continue to circle. They circle through us trying to process new reality. They circle through journaling, when we write our unspoken feelings and heartache on a page of paper. They circle through mindfulness and prayer, tiny moments of turning inward to acknowledge the child within who desperately needs to hear, “You are Loved. You are Safe. You are Worthy.” Over and over, we can offer ourselves this gentle remedy until it reaches the forgotten corners of our hearts.
Often, it can feel like a paradox. On one hand – we are adults navigating jobs, relationships, or even our own roles as parents. On the other hand – we still feel like a child who was never fully comforted. We move through life wearing an adult’s face, but inside, the child in us is still waiting for mother’s reassurance, mother’s laughter, mother’s unconditional love and presence. The deepest sorrow is in recognizing that she was probably never able to give that to us, and that realization doesn’t make the yearning magically disappear. Instead, we learn to hold the longing inside of ourselves with softness, like a crying baby that we hold in our arms, whispering: “I See you. I Hear you. I know this Hurts.”
With time, we might discover that the heartbreak also holds the seeds of Transformation. Probably we could become more empathetic and nurturing toward others, our capacity for compassion could expand by our own experiences. Maybe we even develop a sensitivity to the unspoken hurts in those around us, sensing the ways in which someone else might also be carrying the quiet sorrow of a difficult maternal bond. This can be both a gift and a burden, and it shines a light on our innate ability to transmute Suffering into something that creates Deeper Connection. Where we felt neglected, we can now choose to be Present for ourselves and for others. Where we felt misunderstood and unheard, we can try to Listen more deeply.
Still, there will be moments when the heartache feels freshly opened, as if no healing has taken place at all. Birthdays, holidays, or casual gatherings where friends casually mention the close relationship they share with their mothers can be a hidden trigger. We might feel that sting of envy or sadness because we never had that, not when she was alive, and definitely not now – after she passed away. The important thing is to remember that grief doesn’t travel in a straight line – it ebbs and flows, often without a predictable pattern. Healing is not about removing or deleting the wound entirely, it’s about learning how to hold ourselves when the Wound reopens. It’s important to remember that we don’t have to be “done” grieving to be Whole. Wholeness can exist together with sorrow, as a proof of our resilience, strength and courage.
In the realm of human relationships, the mother-child bond is often painted as Sacred and unbreakable. However, reality can be often very far from this ideal. Strained relationships, absent mothers, or patterns of emotional neglect can all create deep sources of sadness. Even if the mother-child bond never existed as we wanted it to be, we can discover new ways to nurture ourselves.
But what happens if an Absent Mother was the only mother we had, and if she passed away? What happens when we find ourselves completely lost in mourning and grieving not only because of the death of our Mother, but because of the death of the idea of Mother that we never had?…
Key Takeaways
- Healing Is Ongoing – Grief doesn’t vanish overnight, and resolution may never be perfect. However, through self-compassion, therapy, and a willingness to acknowledge the pain, you can reach a place of acceptance and even find hope beyond the hurt.
- Your Feelings Are Valid – Whether you feel deep sadness, anger, or a confusing mix of emotions, all these feelings are part of the grieving process. There’s no “right” way to grieve for a complicated mother-child relationship.
- You Can Seek and Create – the Nurturing You Crave – Although you might grieve the lack of care from your mother, you have the power to cultivate supportive relationships and practice self-parenting.
The Possibility of a Different Reality
Grief about a mother can be one of the most profound and emotionally challenging experiences we face in life. Mothers are often culturally idolized as nurturing figures who give us unconditional love, safety, and guidance. But the reality is not always so straightforward and simple. Many people grow up without the warmth and emotional support they longed for. Others experience complicated relationships filled with conflict, distance, misunderstanding, or even abuse. When the time comes to grieve that kind of a mother – or the loving relationship one never had – the pain can seem twice as big, disorienting, isolating, and even unfair.
In this article, we’ll explore the depths and complexities of grief about a mother, particularly when the relationship was difficult or strained. We’ll dive into the sadness, anger, and longing that can arise when you’re grappling with the loss of what could have been. We’ll also look at ways to process this grief, find support, and, ultimately, move toward a softer place of understanding. Whether you’ve lost your mother through death, estrangement, or emotional distance, you deserve the space and time to grieve in the way that feels most authentic to you. Remember – there is no right way to do this.
The Complexity of Mother-Child Relationships
The mother-child bond is often portrayed as sacred. Whether it’s through media images of a warm mother holding her baby, cultural notions of maternal sacrifice, or social expectations that a mother must love her child unconditionally, society tends to highlight an idealized picture of motherhood. But life rarely follows a perfect script.
- Individual Circumstances – Every mother is an individual with her own unique set of experiences, traumas, fears, and limitations. She might have faced mental health challenges, external stresses, or unresolved personal issues that made it difficult for her to fulfill that ideal mother role.
- Cultural Pressures – Cultural and societal expectations can weigh heavily on both mother and child, sometimes forcing them into roles that don’t reflect their true selves. This dissonance can create tension, misunderstanding, and unmet needs.
- Multigenerational Trauma – Often, the unresolved traumas from previous generations can be passed down. If your mother experienced her own difficult upbringing or unresolved pain, she might not have been equipped to provide the emotional support you needed.
As a result, the mother you knew might have been loving and caring in some moments but painfully and unexplainably distant and unresponsive in others – or probably she was always emotionally or physically absent. When we grieve such a complicated figure, it’s not just about the loss of a person – it’s also about the loss of the ideal relationship we yearned for but never received.
The Weight of Grief for a Mother You Never Truly Had
Grief that stems from a strained mother-child relationship can feel like a double burden. You’re not just grieving someone who was (or is) part of your life, you’re also mourning the mother you never got to have. You might feel an ache for the moments you missed: heartfelt conversations, warm hugs, closeness, or that unshakable feeling of acceptance that your friends with loving and present mothers describe.
Mixed Emotions
In the middle of grief, it’s normal to experience a mix of conflicting emotions:
- Sadness over the physical or emotional loss.
- Regret for what might have been different, if circumstances allowed it.
- Anger at your mother for not living up to the expectations you held, or anger at life for dealing you this hand.
- Guilt for feeling angry or for wishing things had been different.
These emotions can collide all at once. It’s completely natural to have them, and there is no one-size-fits-all timeline for sorting them out. Some days you might feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster – very angry at breakfast, lonely by lunch, and deeply sad by dinner. Try to recognize that these feelings are valid and they are part of the process.
Disenfranchised Grief
When the relationship was difficult, you might worry that others won’t understand your pain. Society often frames grief as a dignified, respectful period of mourning someone you deeply loved and admired. But what if you loved your mother, yet also have a bunch of resentment or disappointment at the same time? Or what if you are not sure you ever felt that unconditional love in the first place?
This kind of grief can feel “disenfranchised” – meaning it’s not always validated by others. Maybe you fear being judged or told to “just get over it.” Maybe you feel awkward expressing your sadness around friends or family who had a good relationship with their mothers, who thought that you had a good relationship with your mother, or those who expect you to be stoic. Understand that your grief is no less real or legitimate just because your relationship was complicated. You have every right to mourn in your own way.
The Void of Unmet Needs
One of the most painful aspects can be recognizing how many of your needs went unmet. You might crave the nurturing presence you never had, a sense of stability or acceptance that feels strange. Grieving those unmet needs is very important. We often think of grief as belonging only to physical loss, but emotional loss – especially from a strained mother-child bond – can be just as significant.
Grief can be like a storm that stirs up everything beneath the surface. Sometimes you might feel numb, other times, overwhelmed by tidal waves of emotion. Here are a few ways how you can try navigating this complex emotional ground:
Acknowledge Your Feelings, No Matter How Conflicting
It’s tempting to judge or suppress emotions, especially if you’re feeling guilt or anger. You might tell yourself, “I shouldn’t feel angry at my mother because she did her best,” or “I shouldn’t feel sad because she was never really there, anyway.” These self-imposed “rules” can suppress, confuse, or stop your healing. In the realm of grief, your feelings are ALWAYS valid. Let them surface, allow them, name them, feel them. Whether it’s sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief (if your mother’s presence was a source of stress, or if she was terminally ill), all are parts of the complex mosaic of grief.
Give Yourself Time and Patience
There’s no universal timeline for grieving. Your emotional process can be longer or shorter than you expect. You could have short (or long) moments of acceptance and clarity one day, only to be revisited by raw, stubbing pain the next. This kind of ebb and flow is normal, even though it feels strange and unexplainable. You can think of grief as a journey with “winding roads”, sometimes you’ll move forward easily, other times you’ll pause or even circle back. Patience and Compassion with yourself are key.
Seek Support Systems
Dealing with such complex grief can be extremely daunting if you try to do it alone… Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a counselor, a grief coach, or a support group, sharing your story can help ease the burden a little bit. One-on-one therapy or group therapy can offer a safe space to express your feelings without judgment. You can also explore online forums or communities focused on “adult children of difficult mothers,” where people share experiences and coping strategies. For more personalized approach and support, you can also contact us for help ❤️ ).
Create Rituals for Healing
Rituals aren’t just for traditional funerals. Even if your mother is no longer present or your relationship was distant, you might benefit from a personal ritual to honor your grief and symbolically say goodbye to the relationship you wanted but never had. This could involve writing a letter you never send, lighting a candle on significant dates (or maybe even every day, if you wish so), or planting a tree as a symbol of new beginnings. Rituals help provide a sense of closure, giving your grief a space to exist in a tangible form.
The Role of Forgiveness and Acceptance
When we talk about mother-child relationships, the word “forgiveness” comes up often. But forgiveness isn’t about excusing harmful behaviors or pretending things were fine. Instead, it’s a way to liberate yourself from the toxicity of resentment that can take root in your heart and mind.
- Understanding the Roots – You might find it helpful to explore your mother’s backstory, if possible. Learning about her past, traumas, or the pressures she faced could offer some context, even though it doesn’t excuse any harm done. It might help you see that her failures were not personal rejections of you, but rather a reflection of her own limitations.
- Self-Compassion – Forgiving or accepting your mother’s shortcomings often starts with self-compassion (and yes, this part is very challenging). Acknowledge that you were a child who deserved love and care. Recognize that the pain you feel is a testament to your capacity for love, hope, and longing. In many ways, that vulnerability is a strength, even if it hurts right now.
- Gradual Acceptance – Acceptance doesn’t mean you are “okay” with everything that happened. It only means that you recognize reality for what it is: your mother might never have been able to give you what you needed. Acceptance is about freeing yourself from the loop of wishing for a different past. It allows you to mourn what happened (or what didn’t happen) and turn your focus toward healing and growth in the present.
Finding and Creating the Nurturing You Needed
A heartbreaking aspect of grieving a mother you never truly had is struggling with the void that’s left. But it’s very important to know that you can still cultivate nurturing sources in your life, even if they don’t come in the traditional “mother-child” form.
Develop a Loving Inner Voice
As children, we often internalize our mothers’ voices – sometimes nurturing, sometimes critical. If your mother’s voice was harsh or dismissive, you might have absorbed negative self-beliefs. Part of healing involves consciously cultivating a new inner dialogue – one that’s kind, supportive, and understanding. Imagine what you would have liked a loving mother to say to you, and practice saying (or writing) it to yourself.
Form Supportive Relationships
If you feel that you need that – look for “motherly” love in other places. This can be a mentor, a friend, a teacher, or even an older relative. These relationships won’t be exactly the same as the mother-child bond, but they can provide warmth, guidance, and emotional support. It takes courage to reach out, but finding people who can hold space for you is vital.
Self-Care as Self-Parenting
When we talk about “self-care,” we often think of face masks and spa days. But in the context of grieving a mother you never really had, self-care takes on Deeper Meaning. It’s about learning to parent yourself in the ways you were never parented. This could involve:
- Setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
- Affirming your worth and celebrating small achievements.
- Learning healthy coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety.
- Engaging in fulfilling, creative activities that bring joy and self-expression.
Over time, these acts of self-care can help fill the emotional gaps left by a strained mother-child dynamic.
The Healing Power of Expression
It’s easy to feel isolated in your grief, especially when it’s tangled in unresolved issues and unanswered questions. Turning to creative expression can be a very powerful way to give voice to what’s on your mind and in your heart.
- Journaling – Write letters to your mother that you don’t intend to send. Let the words flow freely – your hopes, disappointments, and heartbreak. Releasing them onto paper can bring clarity and emotional relief.
- Artistic Outlets – Try painting, drawing, music, dance, or any creative medium that resonates with you. Art provides a way to process feelings without the need for any specific words or explanations.
- Poetry – Poetry can articulate profoundly deep Truths in ways that ordinary conversation can’t. If you find comfort in poetry – either it’s reading, writing, or reciting – this can be a purifying process. (If poetry resonates with you, please contact us and we will share with you several poems on the topic of grieving a mother ❤️)
Many individuals find out that expressing their grief artistically helps them access deeper and more meaningful levels of Healing. It turns pain into something tangible, something you can channel and transform.
Confronting Memories and Unanswered Questions
When your mother’s presence has been taken away – through death, estrangement, or simply emotional absence – you could find yourself struggling with many unanswered questions. Why didn’t she show more affection; why did she hurt me in so many big (or small) ways; why did she choose certain paths that distanced her from me???
Allowing and Embracing the Unknown
It’s completely natural to crave for answers. But, the truth is, in some cases – those answers never come. This can be one of the hardest parts of grieving a mother who was unable to meet your needs… Learning to live with unresolved and unanswered questions can be a heavy burden, but with time and support, you can find peace. Part of that peace involves acknowledging that you will maybe never fully understand her perspective or motivations – and that’s totally okay. You can still heal without every piece of the puzzle in place. As a matter of fact – you will realize that this “puzzle” can be complete only if there are some missing pieces in it.
Reclaiming Your Story
You have the power to reclaim your story, even if the past feels like it’s written in stone. Your story is not only defined by what your mother did or didn’t do. You can incorporate those pieces into a bigger understanding of who you are – a resilient person who has survived adversity and is forging a new (and probably totally unknown) path toward self-love and acceptance.
The Role of Professional Help
Grief about a mother, especially in complicated circumstances, can be intertwined with past trauma, anxiety, and deeply rooted self-esteem issues. It can feel like you are literally suffocating, and like you need urgent care. Remember, seeking professional help can be incredibly beneficial:
- Therapy or Counseling – A qualified therapist can help you unpack the layers of grief, anger, and regret. Techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can offer targeted support.
- Support Groups – Group settings can normalize your experience. Hearing others share their stories can lessen the sense of isolation you could feel.
- Online Communities – If in-person sessions or support groups are not accessible, online communities can be a lifeline. Many people have found solace in digital spaces where they can connect anonymously and safely.
Your grief is a valid reason to reach out for professional assistance. You deserve Guidance, understanding, and coping tools tailored to your needs.
Embracing Hope and Growth
It might sound counterintuitive to mention hope in an article about grief. But grief, when channeled in a healthy way, can open doors to self-discovery and emotional freedom.
- Self-Awareness – Grieving a mother you never truly had forces you to confront your deepest desires, fears, and needs. This self-awareness can guide you toward healthier relationships and better self-care in the future.
- Empathy for Others – Experiencing grief on this level can expand your capacity for empathy, helping you connect with others who have faced similar emotional challenges.
- Personal Growth – By actively engaging in your healing process, you may discover new strengths and coping strategies. Over time, you might find that you’re able to create a fulfilling life, even though one key relationship was lacking.
Grief doesn’t mean that you’re destined to carry only sadness. This journey can also bring profound Growth, emotional depth, and a new appreciation for connections that nurture and uplift you.
Practical Steps for Daily Coping
Even as you work through the deeper emotions, daily life continues. Here are some practical ways to integrate healing into your everyday routine:
- Morning Mindfulness – Start your day with five minutes of deep breathing, quiet or guided meditation. Focus on acknowledging whatever feelings arise – sadness, anger, relief – and letting them pass without judgment.
- Journaling Practice – Dedicate a short window each day to write about your emotional state. Reflect on what triggers certain feelings and brainstorm healthy ways to cope. Or just allow a free flow of words – write down whatever comes.
- Find Positive Affirmations – Sometimes, you have to be the one to affirm your worth when it wasn’t affirmed by your mother. Remind yourself daily: “I am worthy of love and respect,” “I belong”, “I am capable of healing,” or any other affirmations that resonate.
- Engage in Movement – Physical movement (whether it’s yoga, running, walking, mobility, or dance) helps release pent-up tension. Many people find that movement can also trigger emotional breakthroughs, so give it a try.
- Seek Comfort in Nature – Spend time outdoors. Nature has a grounding effect, offering gentle reminders that life flows in cycles – grief included. The changing seasons, the rhythm of day turning to night, all mirror the shifts we go through internally.
When Guilt Clouds the Process
A common stumbling block in grieving a mother you never truly had is guilt. You might think, “I feel guilty for not loving her more,” “I should have been more understanding,” or “Maybe I contributed to the strain between us”, “Maybe it’s my fault.”…
Remember: grief is not a test of your loyalty, and it’s not a competition in who is “right” or “wrong.” You were a child in that relationship dynamic – any guilt you feel is probably a reflection of your empathy, not a sign that you’re guilty of something similar. Recognizing this can help you move through guilt with more compassion.
Creating a Future Beyond Grief
Grieving isn’t about “getting over” the loss of a mother or the relationship that never was what you wanted it to be. It’s about integrating this experience into the fuller picture of who you are. Over time, the sharp sting of grief may soften. You will find out later that you can think of your mother without the same intensity of pain. This doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or invalidated your feelings, it just means that you are learning to carry them in a healthier way.
Accepting Love and Building Trust
A strained mother-child relationship can leave deep scars in your ability to trust and accept love. Overcoming these barriers might involve intentional work on self-esteem and vulnerability:
- Practice Receiving Compliments – Learn to say “thank you” without deflecting or minimizing the praise.
- Allow Yourself to Need Others – Recognize that needing support isn’t weakness; it’s a natural part of human connection.
- Be Patient with Trust Issues – It’s natural to have walls up if your earliest bond was inconsistent or hurtful. Healing is not about rushing to tear down every wall but carefully dismantling them at your own pace.
You Can Rewrite Your Own Story
Even if your mother’s story ended before you had a chance for resolution, your story continues. You can write new chapters that honor your own journey to wholeness. In these chapters, you discover tools that help you grieve, you find relationships that nurture you, you keep trusting that you will get used to grief tides, and you develop an inner sense of security that no one can take away.
Remember that grief about a mother, especially one you never truly had, is a multi-layered experience that can touch the core of your being. It involves not only mourning the physical or emotional loss but also grieving the missed opportunities, the unmet needs, and the unfulfilled dreams of a loving, supportive bond. This grief can feel isolating, but know that you are not alone. Many people wrestle with the complexities of motherly relationships that fell short of expectations.
Healing doesn’t mean erasing the pain or denying the significance of what happened. Instead, it means learning how to carry your story with self-compassion, honesty, and hope. Over time, and with deliberate effort, the heavy weight of longing can transform into a quieter, more reflective sense of acceptance. The process is far from easy, but through acknowledging your feelings, seeking the right support, and allowing yourself the grace to heal, you can begin to mend.
Honor your grief, because it’s a powerful testament to your capacity for love – even if that love wasn’t met with the response you deserved. In the journey of self-discovery and healing, you may discover strengths and resources within yourself that you never knew existed. You have the right to mourn, to be angry, to yearn, and ultimately, to move forward with a self-nurturing heart.
Becoming the Mother We Never Had
The Courage to Grieve
Grieving the mother we never had is an act of bravery. It requires us to acknowledge our unmet needs, our longing for a love that was absent, and the deep pain that comes with that realization. Every tear, every reflection, and every step toward healing brings us closer to a deeper sense of peace and self-love.
Remember that every tear, every moment of reflection, and every small step toward Healing brings you closer to a deeper sense of peace and self-love. Your grief is a journey, and you deserve all the time, space, and support it takes to walk that path.
Acceptance – Making Space for Healing
Acceptance does not mean giving up on love – it means honoring what was and creating space for our own healing. In accepting our wounds, we recognize our own capacity to love and to hope.
Over time, we could see that slow acceptance begins to take root. Acceptance is not the same as giving up or resigning ourselves to an unfulfilled love. It’s more like creating space within ourselves to honor both the truth of what happened and the hope for our own healing.
Compassion for Ourselves and Our Mothers
As we heal, we may find space for compassion – not as an excuse for harm, but as a recognition of shared pain. Many of our mothers were also wounded, shaped by their own histories. Holding both our pain and their humanity allows us to move toward forgiveness, not as dismissal, but as liberation.
To grieve a mother who never truly mothered us is to acknowledge that we were capable of believing in that kind of love in the first place. There’s a courageous softness in that realization: we wanted something pure and loving, and our hearts still know it was – and is – possible to feel such devotion.
From this point of view, we can also find compassion for ourselves and for our mothers, who may have been shaped by their own painful histories. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviors or denying the real pain they caused. It means we choose not to let bitterness consume us completely. We leave space for the Truth that she, too, might have yearned for a nurturing Presence of her own mother, and never found it. If we are able to hold both truths – our Wounding and her humanity – we might discover that forgiveness is a path to liberation, not a dismissal or ignorance. Forgiveness can become a key that unlocks the door to our own Freedom, releasing us from the endless cycle of blame and resentment.
Holding Ourselves in Moments of Deep Hurt
There will be days when the grief resurfaces with overwhelming intensity. In those moments, we can offer ourselves tenderness, just as a loving mother would. Whether through silence, the presence of a friend, a family member, or our own compassionate words, we learn to hold space for our pain without trying to push it away or ignore it.
Still, there will be days when the Hurt resurfaces suddenly with extremely painful intensity, and we might have to remind ourselves that Healing often takes a lifetime. On those days, we can remember “the first responder cells of compassion” again. Let them rush to the Wound with gentle words, with Silence, or with the warm Presence of a loved one. Let them gather around your tears, not trying to force them away, but witnessing them with understanding and acceptance of what is. In that sacred witnessing, we can discover that the sorrow begins to soften, if only for a moment, allowing us to Breathe a little easier.
Finding Motherly Love Beyond the Mother
Life offers mothering in unexpected ways: the warmth of the sun, the loyalty of a friend, the patience we show ourselves. When we open our hearts to these moments, we begin to weave together the love we’ve always needed.
As we move through this journey, may can also recognize the many ways life offers us motherly care – even if not through the person who birthed us. The warmth of the sun on our shoulders can be a mothering touch. The loyalty of a loved one, or a friend can be a mothering heart. The patience we show ourselves when we hesitate can be mothering grace. With each instance of nurturing, we reclaim a bit more of our power, intertwining the missing threads back into our sense of Self.
The Slow Unfolding of Healing
Healing is not linear – it moves through us in waves, shaping us in ways we don’t always see right away. Over time, the wound transforms, becoming a place where love can take root. We learn to mother ourselves, to cradle our own hearts, and to become our own greatest source of comfort.
And so, we slowly move Forward, carrying both the heartbreak and the seeds of transformation. The Grief teaches us to be kinder and softer to ourselves and more loving to those who long for understanding. The Emptiness teaches us to fill our own cup and to share its overflow with others who also thirst for a mother’s gentleness. Each prayer, each tear, each moment of self-awareness becomes a step on the path back to Wholeness. Even though it may feel like a twisting and turning road, probably that is the nature of all Healing: it doesn’t come as a nice “package”, but it arrives through the unexpected cracks in our daily life, showing us sparks of our own strength.
The journey is not easy, but it is deeply human. In the end, we find out that we have become our own greatest comfort. Our hearts, once longing to be held by another, learn to cradle themselves, discovering a gentle power we never knew we had.
Resting in the Truth of Love
Take solace in knowing that you don’t face this Grief alone. Every day, countless others breathe with the same heaviness, wondering what it might have felt like to be cherished and loved by a mother who was fully Present.
It is a slow unfolding, like the steady work of those invisible “healing cells” beneath the surface. We probably can’t see their progress from one day to the next, but over time, the wound changes itself into a new shape. Scarred, most likely, but also capable of holding Love. It’s the love for ourselves that we learn to cultivate from within, the love that understands how precious it is to be truly cared for, and how painful it can be when that care is denied. In this space of compassionate awareness, we become both the Wound and the Healing.
So try to rest in this realization: your Longing is valid, your heartbreak is Seen, and know that in the quiet surrender to everything you Feel, you are already creating new patterns of Love and Nurturing that you’ve never had. 💙 May the threads of love, acceptance and comfort keep flowing towards the places within you that ache the most.
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